The Cuts

from Tyler Stern

Jan. 11, 2013, 5:46 p.m.

So, seeing as many of you don't go to Emory, and the fact that I'm bored as hell sitting here at home with my two dogs laying next to me, I've decided to take the time to explain to you what exactly is happening with the Emory budget cuts, as well as my thoughts on the matter.

Essentially, Robin Forman, dean of Emory College sent a letter last semester to all students and faculty at Emory detailing the university's plan to phase out certain programs and departments, such as journalism, visual arts, educational studies, as well as several graduate programs, including Spanish and Portuguese and Economics. Naturally, this made a lot of people very unhappy. Journalism majors took to the school paper to write scathing editorials of the college's decision, visual arts majors expressed their negative feelings by creating fantastic works of art which depicted the future ramifications of the budget cuts, and the educational studies majors continued to stare at their ceilings and ask themselves "what the hell am I doing with my life."

A large group of disgruntled students decided to take the issue into their own hands and create an action committee called "Reject The Cuts," which staged protests and sit-ins as an attempt to vocalize opposition to the decision and reverse the ruling. As you might have expected, the movement was not as successful as they had hoped it to be when the advisory board who verified the cuts simply ignored the 12 students loitering outside their meeting room one day.

One individual who came under heavy criticism was university president James Wagner (or as students call him, J-Swag). Throughout this entire backlash, President Wagner received angry comments and serious concerns from students and faculty alike, and met them diligently with his own genuine concern. However, this did not appease the majority of students, who continue to shame J-Swag and Dean Forman for their lack of transparency in this stunning decision.

Personally, these budget cuts hit me hard. After reading all about the departmental cuts and walking past several educational studies majors banging their heads on the wall, I became convinced that this was a decision no practical person would make. I came to the conclusion that President Wagner was trolling us hard. After all, it makes sense. Rich, white people can only remain entertained by decadent cheeses and Kenny G for so long. Hell, I'm sure J-Swag even took that advisory board on a few wild adventures over to Men's Warehouse to pick out some cashmere sweaters before picking up litter in Piedmont Park. But there comes a time when all posh people snap.

It's easy to spot. Take for example the classiest, whitest, and douchiest character from TV or cinema. I am, of course, referring to Scrooge McDuck. Why do you think he repeatedly goes on ridiculously dangerous adventures? It's because he's rich as fuck and doesn't give a shit. And to entertain himself even more, he brings his three nephews, Huey, Dewie, and Louie, along with him. Mind you, they aren't even fucking 6 years old. They get into all sorts of deadly encounters with diabolical villains and dastardly bandits, but he's over there having a blast while Dewie's about to have his head bitten off by a Bengal tiger. Why? Because he has so much money that he literally has nothing better to do with his life.

A real life example isn't hard to spot either. There's one man in particular who we all know that especially enjoyed trolling the American public, and that's Mitt Romney. Did you actually think he wanted to be President? Of course he didn't, he wanted to see how much ridiculous shit he could say and still run for office. Twice. 17 car elevators can only fill the gaping hole in a wealthy man for so long. After that, most men just adopt an African child (which explains Madonna's obsession), but for Mitt Romney, he needed the most powerful position in the world.

Which brings me back to President Wagner. Many people assume that he doesn't understand the importance of these departments, but the truth is he absolutely understands the importance of all of the departments. Who else would make his French vanilla mocha latte with soy milk at Starbucks if it weren't for visual arts majors? It's not that he doesn't care. It's just that he doesn't care. There came a time when his ornate oil paintings and multiple marble fireplaces just didn't cut it anymore. So he and the rest of the college advisory committee decided to see what they could do with all of the money that the students paid to attend school here that would make them flip the fuck out. And that's how the departments were cut. In fact, I heard next semester they may use tuition fees to erect a giant statue of Mel Gibson in the middle of campus. True story.


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