from Tyler Stern

June 5, 2013, 7:25 p.m.

Dear citizens of the world,

It has come to our attention that an atrocity of no comparison has been committed. At first, we had hoped that the governments of the countries involved would rush to correct what had occurred, but we were wrong. Then we had hoped that the infamous (and completely mindless) hacker group, Anonymous, would seek to reverse the wrongdoings, but it turns out that they are a bunch of headless sheep that would rather influence elections in the Middle East than do something that actually matters. We can no longer sit passively and watch as modern society crumbles. The situation at hand necessitated action, and is the cause for this very stern and disappointed letter posted on a major news outlet’s website.

Correction: we had thought this was posted on CNN. Our bad. But let’s be honest, the real mistake here was considering CNN to be a major news outlet.

Over the past few weeks, in supermarkets across all of the world but primarily in the United States, the price of Hot Pockets has skyrocketed by a total of 10 cents. This wanton strike to the wallet of every American was carried out by the upper management of the Hot Pocket Corporation and is part of their deliberate plot to oppress the entire age group of 18 to 24, especially poor college students. That is not to suggest in any sort of manner that Pseudonym is comprised of poor college students, nor anyone in the age group of 18 to 24; however, statistically speaking it would be very likely for the majority of an organization seeking world change and inciting internet frenzy to fall in the ages of 18 to 24.

To those who work in the upper echelons of Hot Pockets, you guys suck. You are evil and represent everything that is not hot nor resembles pockets. At first we thought you were cool but it turns out that you are not cool. We hope you all go home tonight and step on a lego. Suck our collective ballsack.

To Hot Pocket sympathizers around the world, we share your anguish. What the Hot Pocket Corporation has done is unacceptable and cannot go unpunished. To deny someone the opportunity to purchase a Hot Pocket is to deny someone a basic human right: The right to a classic and affordable meal like a crunchy, breaded shell stuffed with four hot, melty cheeses and delectable pepperoni. We implore you, citizens of the world, to rise up and unite against the tyrannic leadership of Hot Pockets. Appropriate action must be undertaken, which is why we want you to follow our lead and let those responsible at Hot Pockets know exactly how you feel. We cannot wait, now is the time to act. Join us in sending scathing emails and viciously hateful letters insulting mothers and degrading physical features. If we fail to insult every last customer service employee, then consider our mission failed.

Now that the situation has been fully explained, we will state our demands. If the price of Hot Pockets is not returned to its previous value, we will be forced to take further action. This will entail a strike to the heart of the American entertainment, the immensely popular Music Television Network, commonly known as MTV. Also, we will most likely send another letter addressing our grievances. If our demands are not met in two weeks, then we will hack into the MTV networks and replace all music videos that were scheduled to air on television with deplorable shows that no one would ever watch, such as Teen Wolf and 16 and Pregnant. We understand the gravity of this monstrous act, but Hot Pockets has driven us to the edge of the moral cliff. If the two weeks expire and no apologetic motion has been made, then nothing will stop the ensuing rage of Pseudonym. Except maybe Usher un-discovering Justin Bieber.

Consider this letter a warning to all those who trespass against the holy and sacred values of Pseudonym. If you don’t know the holy and sacred values of Pseudonym, then we hope that you enjoy receiving mail, except not the good kind of mail. We’re talking about the bad kind of mail. And not that sort of bad, spam mail that can be annoying but still kind of funny mail, this is just the annoying mail.

Pseudonym is our name,

Disrupting Internet traffic is our game.

If you don't meet our demands,

Expect another letter.

We are Pseudonym

We are here to stay

And we are just as legitimate as Anonymous.


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