A Sponge Called Bob

from Tyler Stern

March 11, 2013, 10:18 p.m.

The Best Time to Wear a Striped Sweater: Is it really all the time?

We are all well aware of Spongebob squarepants’ assertion that the ideal time to wear a striped sweater is actually all the time, but after pondering this statement for some time, I soon became skeptical. Why exactly is the best time to wear a striped sweater all of the time, and what about the other aspects of the sweater? Do the stripes have to be vertical, or is horizontal adequate? What about diagonals? Does the sweater have to be wool? Wool chafes my skin, so I will only wear a sweater if it is 100% cotton, but can I not wear that fabric all the time? For so many questions, Mr. Squarepants seems to have so few answers.

More importantly, what gives Mr. Squarepants the authority to make such a claim? This idea that a slightly thicker long sleeve shirt with long, parallel lines can be worn every single second of every single day is proposed by a yellow, water-dwelling, multicellular organism who has never not worn a white shirt with a red tie and brown shorts throughout the duration of his entire life. Everyone knows brown clashes with yellow, and yet Mr. Squarepants lacks the cognizance required to see how his entire wardrobe fails to complement his skin tone, so how can we trust his opinion on when to wear long-sleeved garments? In fact, the only other time Mr. Squarepants has mentioned sweaters is when he knitted one for his colleague, Mr. Squidward Tentacles, out of his own long, scratchy, unsanitized eyelashes. So not only does Mr. Squarepants possess the audacity to make such an unsupported claim, but also a wanton disregard for the comfort required for sweaters. In Spain, Mr. Squarepants is referred to as “Esponja de Bob con pantalones cuadrados,” which of course translates to “Bob, the sponge with horrible style and Hepatitis C.”

However, Mr. Quadrilateral-with-four-equal-sides-and-four-equal-angles-pants brings us a good point. With the comfort and utility that a sweater brings, added with the fashionable stripes featured on not just the front or the back of the sweater, but all 360 degrees, perhaps the best time to wear a striped sweater may just be all of the time. As much as I may be disgusted by his awful style, Mr. Square-leg-covers poses a pertinent question: is the best time to wear a striped all of the time? In order to discover the ultimate answer to what could be the most important question in our lives, I decided to do what any responsible American would do.

The very next day, I woke up at 12:30 in the afternoon, ate a dozen Krispy Kreme donuts while watching pre-recorded episodes of CSI-Miami, showered for 45 minutes to tell my neighbor Jon that he can take his 5 minute, cold shower and reduced carbon footprint and shove it, shared what I had for dinner last night on Facebook, Twitter, 4Square, Pintrest, and CNN iReport, then set off to ask the general public what they thought of this issue. Yes, I conducted a poll, and fortunately, I barely encountered just enough people to generate a viable sample size. Out of 4 men, 2 women, 5 squirrels and 1 half-eaten bag of Cheetos, 0% of all voters thought that the best time to wear striped sweaters is all the time, and 66% thought that Keanu Reeves should be chosen as the next pope.

Clearly, PoriferaRobert 2-Dimensional-Cube-Trouser’s style is indicative of the quality of his advice. America obviously believes that the best time to wear a striped sweater is not all the time, so now begins the transition. There was a time where a sponge’s word could be taken without an inch of doubt, but no longer. In the future, children may ask, “whatever happened to poor old Spongebob,” and their parents will have to sit them down at the kitchen table and tell them a story of an naive sponge called Bob who spoke out when he should have kept quiet. This could have all been avoided if Spongebob had simply changed his outfit to a more suitable one. Pee-Wee Herman may have seemed like a pedophile, but at least he looked good.


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