Why Jimmy John's is the Best Restaurant Ever

from Tyler Martin

Sept. 17, 2012, 3 p.m.

Hello friends. I know most of you are expecting a story from one of my, well let's just say, not-the-clearest-decision-making moments. However, this is the internet and putting that stuff on here would be like herpes. It would never go away and cause itching and burning. No, I am here to tell you why Jimmy John's may be the best restaurant ever created by our galactic overlord Xenu.

At rush parties, things can get pretty crazy. I'll leave it at this, shit goes down. Sometimes around 2 or 3 in the morning a few of my (now) pledge brothers and I would start to get bored and hungry. The only place that will deliver at these ungodly hours is Jimmy John's. Why? I like to think it is because they are a gift from the flying spaghetti monster but it's probably more of the fact that they can take advantage of college kids who are hungry at unreasonable hours because college. Anyway, the first time that we ordered the delectable sandwiches, we were greeted by a personable young man that we will call John. We invited John in because we are nice, personable young men as well. John noticed all of the "soda" around the apartment and made a comment about how fun the party must have been. We proceeded to tell John our many (mis)adventures from the night and he proceeded to tell us how much his job sucked. We took pity on this poor soul. We offered him some "soda" to console him. Little did we know, this small act of generosity would inspire the quaint John into becoming our messiah of sandwiches. He graciously offered to pay for the sandwiches. We initially declined. He offered once more, and we buckled under his holy pressure. As he departed, we made sure to tip him very well. Then we ate those sandwiches and proceeded to pass the fuck out into a food coma.

Fast forward another couples of days. We find ourselves in a similar situation in which we need nourishment and the only place open is Jimmy John's. Naturally, we call and ask for John. He arrives with our sandwiches and we proceed to offer him some "soda" out of the kindness of our hearts and the emptiness of our stomachs. He accepts and offers to pay for us once again. This time, we strike up a deal. On the nights where John isn't working and there is a party occurring, we were to invite him. And the nights we John was working and we had parties, he would give us free sandwiches in return for some of our "soda". He accepted and there was much rejoicing. The deal worked amazing. We were the citizens of Gotham, our hunger was the rampant crime, and he was our Dark Knight. John is not the only example Zeus' blessed sandwichery. Nay, Jimmy John's has many a trick up its sleeve.

You see, I do not only order Jimmy John's after a party. Some nights when I'm studying I just need a boost from a delicious sandwich. Last Monday morning was such an occasion. I called Jimmy John's and spoke to a sweet girl who we'll call Jimmy (I hope you see what I did there, if not, then for your sake, I will give her the name Ashley because that is what her name is). Jimmy (Ashley) was very sweet, borderline flirtatious on the phone with me and of course, me being me, I reciprocated this. We talked for longer than it takes to order a few damn sandwiches, but that didn't bother me because she was funny and cool. After the prolonged sandwich ordering process was completed, I went to the main lounge of Dobbs (my residence hall) to await my sandwiches. Here I talked with Preston (my roommate) for a while, mostly about what anatomical features on women were most pleasing. That was quite the conversation. He and I differed in many opinions but we both agreed that brunettes were the best so it's okay, but I digress. After waiting what seemed like an eternity I received a call from Ashley (I can't call her Jimmy anymore, it just does not feel right). She informed me she was waiting outside for me and I made some cheesy remark and she laughed at the corniness. I walked outside and paid, giving her a good tip as well. She thanked me and let's just say, she took her time getting back to Jimmy John's ;). And by that I mean we talked outside for a while and I got her number. I have game, but not that much game, guys. So she left and we've been talking ever since.

Well that's my most appropriate entry, if y'all want some more from me, either give me some time to get some tame stories or read my less tame ones. Just let me know. Until then, have fun, be safe, and order Jimmy John's.


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