The S.N.A.K.E. Method

from Tyler Martin

June 15, 2013, 11:05 a.m.

Let's get something straight right meow. I like to party. There I said it. Shocker, right? Part of that lifestyle involves meeting women that, to put it delicately, are very open and friendly. Before we get any further, please know that this article is intended for a more mature audience and is written for humor. I swear if I see any comments that go along the lines of, "WTF Tyler, your such a terrible person," I will first correct your usage of the word "your" and then I will haunt your dreams. Try me.

Back to the ladies. Many people have trouble either opening or closing. Some people just lack game. Some people are just afraid. Well luckily for those people, the S.N.A.K.E. Method is all-encompassing and basically makes it possible for virtually anyone to make the bed squeaky. The best part is that it works with both genders! That's enough of an introduction, here we go.

Start Conversation

Sounds easy enough, but believe me when I say that a lot of people just have trouble talking to the opposite sex. The key is confidence. Be shameless. Introduce yourself, just don't overdo it and be a creep. Most people make up their minds about what will go down through the course of the night from the initial conversation, so the ball is in your court. You set the tone. Just talk to the target like you would talk to anyone else.

Nudge Gently

This part requires finesse for guys and is probably one of the most important for girls. The guys have to do this delicately without being weird. A gentle nudge in a playful form breaks the initial physical barrier that can be difficult to overcome. Once you're over it, though, things generally become more relaxed and just easier.

Ask Questions

No one wants to hear about you. At the deepest level, all anyone wants to do is talk about themselves. If they truly do want to know about you they're either serial stalkers or relationship material, which, now that I think about it, seem remarkably similar. Ask your prospect questions about themselves and pretend to listen or actually listen. Once you have the name memorized, it doesn't particularly matter what information you retain. You can get bonus points for memorizing more stuff sometimes, and it is generally worth it. Do not get too personal though, we don't want feelings or emotions rearing their ugly heads.

Keep Physical Contact

Touching is like makeup. Too little and you aren't going to get anywhere, too much and you look like a clown. When done right, the other person will barely notice it yet appreciate it at the same time. A simple arm around the shoulders or waist is generally my go-to move before hand-holding. Holding hands can backfire if the other person is looking for more, but hey, I like to live in the danger zone. Also, if you are playing games, asking for a kiss on the cheek for good luck is never a bad idea. Turning your head into said kiss and locking lips is a pro move and should not be attempted by rookies.


You've done it, congratulations! You've made it this far and you're still talking to your next conquest! This is the part that mot have trouble with, however. Closing is difficult because people get nervous, over-think things, and just are afraid to take the next step. I'm here to say that it isn't as hard to do as people make it out to be. After being sufficiently acquainted and having the physical barrier down, the next step is simply enjoy it until the sexual tension gets too high. Don't wait too long to avoid disinterest, but jumping the gun takes a lot of the fun and teasing out of it. Making out should be periodically done throughout the entire time. You can do more if you want, but don't push your luck. When the timing is right, simply suggest a change of venue, preferably to a bedroom with doors that actually lock. Other acceptable places are a parking lot, a wooden bench, a bathroom, the hood of your truck, any random room, or just in front of other people. I'm nothing if not absolutely shameless. The most important thing I can impart on those of you actually reading this is that executing is very situational and no two situations are alike.

Final Thoughts

If you only get one thing from all of this, know that doing things with confidence will get you further not only in bumping uglies, but also life in general. If you aren't a confident person, just fake it until you actually are, it worked for me. Also, don't be discouraged by failure. Even the greats strike out. Cut your losses and move on to whoever is next. I will leave y'all with a few more things:

  • Emotional attachment is bad unless it's good.
  • Out of your league doesn't exist, but try to know your general limits.
  • Make sure you're safe.
  • Seriously, no emotions. Don't have unrealistic expectations.
  • Have fun with it, you only get to do this for so long before you * shiver * settle down.

Check out StoriesHouse later today as this is the first in a double-header of articles by yours truly. Snake out!


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