Snake Reviews: "Hell"

from Tyler Martin

Feb. 12, 2013, 3:07 p.m.

For those of you unaware, I have an alter ego. This alter ego only shows up at certain points and usually becomes the life of the party. His name is Snake. My name is Tyler. I am becoming Snake right now, and after the transformation is complete, I will start reviewing a movie I find on Netflix. I do not anticipate on being able to focus on this enough by the time I am really Snakin' it, so this will partially be a review, and partially be a story. Enjoy.

DISCLAIMER: The following review/story may contain some coarse language that will be edited. Also, spoilers.

Okay, so after about thirty minutes of surfing Netflix, I finally found a movie that doesn't look like garbage. It is titled "Hell." It has interesting cover art and a description about a post-apocalyptic wasteland, so it shouldn't make me want to throw my Xbox out of the window at random pedestrians. Let's get at it.

Okay, so first things first, the introductory paragraph is in what appears to be German. Hopefully the rest of the movie won't be like this.

Now there is a lady, she appears to be very disoriented. Okay, she was in a car crash. Sh*t. She's speaking in German with English subtitles. This may be a problem later on. She's moving over to her car and she discovers what appears to be her husband. She's trying to get him out, but he's telling her to leave him because he is stuck and to run because it is a trap (coincidentally I sleep with an Admiral Ackbar poster right next to me). Oh, something is happening, she's running, and she got caught. That's what she gets for speaking German in a film titled in English.

So, now there's a family in the car. Also speaking German. Okay, we won the World Wars, we deserve our movies to be in English (or American, 'Merica). Anyways, they're babbling on about the heat. All the windows are blacked out. Why are they just sitting there? Wait, the husband is filling up the gas tank? They've been moving?! How in the hell can the guy see? The window is literally completely covered! It appears he has to be dressed up from head to toe to not be scorched by the sun. Kewl. Now he's filling up the gas tank. Meanwhile the daughter and mother are inside, and the daughter is handing her mother a CD wondering if it'll still work. Mom is putting it in and.... it's the German version of "99 Red Balloons" (yes, I know the German one was the original, but there is no way I was going to spend the time looking up its name and then having to copy and paste it into here. Seriously, who do you think I am?). Back to Dad, he's still filling the tank and a crow is flying above him. How come the crow is fine? I assume the laws of UV radiation affect it quite the same way that they do everything else. Unless crows are somehow resistant to UV radiation, in which case, they WILL be the dominant lifeforms in this movie. Anyways, dad got back in the car and took out the CD. Dick.

Now they're talking about trying to go somewhere, but I couldn't care less. Oh wait, they are looking for water. Yet they pass by trees. Trees. Trees need water too. Fairly certain of that. Unless these trees have evolved a way to live without water. They shall own the Earth too.

Okay, now dad is going to loot an abandoned gas station. He sneaks in a quick makeout sesh with mom while daughter is sleeping in the back. Daughter is opening her eyes and dad is leaving the car. Wait a second... dad apparently isn't dad and the girls are basically using him for his car. Bitches. Although, this guy looks like a complete Doucheasaurus rex. He is definitely dying in a gruesome manner at some point in this movie, and I'm okay with that.

Now, the girls are going inside the station because something has come off the car and they need to fix it. D. rex finds a newspaper about the solar storms (presumably before they happened).

Little girl is named Leonie. Who names their kid that? She is checking the toilets for water. Apparently, the girls' mom is dead so they are sisters. Big sis tells Leonie to wait around back with Phillip (D. rex).

A guy is looting their unlocked car now. He got away with a weeks worth of supplies. Now he has Leo hostage. He's a thug. D. rex just hit him with a hammer through a window and is now kicking his ass. He is holing his face in the sunlight to torture him. Kewl.

Now D. rex is negotiating with the bad guy for supplies. Apprently he wants to go to the mountains because the water bottles say that is where the water is at. D. rex my be mildly retarded. Thug is helping him with the car troubles now.

And they are all on the road again. Thug got shotty. He just pushed in that damned CD. He doesn't seem so bad now. He has a name but I missed it.

D. rex just slammed on the brakes because there is what appears to be a small, fallen tower in the middle of the road. Now they are trying to tow it while Leo drives.

They successfully towed it, but D. rex was a douche and bitched a Leo for not turning off the engine right as they moved the thing.

And now they see where the opening scene took place. Kewl.

pauses movie for piss break

I'm back. Actually I'm hungry. Brb calling Jimmy Johns.

Okay so tis Jimmy Johns is going to be sooooo good. Yummy.

Holy sh*it, I'm no even half an hour in and I feel like giving up.

Ehhhh... I am doing away with the step by step synopsis, and will instead detail parts that I find exciting.

Jimmy Johns= love.

Marie (big sis) is apparently on her period. Gross. D. rex is a douche. He treats the girls like sh*t. Thug is a good guy I have decided. Leo wants to take the car and just have the sisters drive off. Oh and the sun has set so everything is magically cooler. D. rex told Marie that they are ditching Thug when they get the chance. Marie tells him not to worry because she isn't pregnant.

Someone is raiding the car Leo is in and Marie, trying to get up to her, fells down the slippery slop and thudded into a tree, knocking her out. Car is gone and people are walking by the roadblock. They were ambushed. Leo and D. rex are missing but Thug is helping Marie.

Apparently, Leo was kidnapped by the marauders. D. rex is unfortunately alive. All he cares about are the supplies. Thug climbed up a tower and saw where the marauders were. They are traveling up to the camp as the car pulls in at the same time. The marauders let a prisoner go to go chase him Most Dangerous Game style. Nice.

D. rex wants to leave Leo, Thug says they are going to get Leo and hatches a pan which I paid no attention to at all.

Plan sorta works, but Thug gets captured trying to save Leo, while D. rex pussies out and runs to the car and forces Marie to drive off. Dick.

Jimmy Johns is here, brb.

=====================

This was the point where I no longer cared for the movie. Sure, I tried watching it, but I failed. The point being that I had fully Snaked my way out of this review. Here's what I did instead:

  • Played Halo.
  • Tried to do homework.
  • Played more Halo.
  • Ordered Jimmy Johns again.
  • Slept.

As you can see, it was quite a successful night.

Well, that does it for the first installment of Snake Reviews, if you liked it, then there may be more to come. If not, well... fine then...


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