Finals, Conspiracies, and a Late-Night Plan B Run

from Tyler Martin

April 28, 2013, 7:03 a.m.

Wow. It's been a while since I've written anything for the wonderful StoriesHouse. I'm glad Nick has been mostly holding down the fort because his last two posts were superb. Check them out. Now. In the immortal words of Dr. Gary Davison, "I can wait."

Ah! You're back, excellent. Now I can start my story. The slightly disconcerting title sums up my past week pretty well. I'll start from the beginning.

For those of you in college, you understand what I'm going through right now. For any of you not in college, don't complain to me about your finals because I guarantee mine are worse. Let me explain why. Finals not only signify exams that (unfairly) affect your overall final grade, but also the start of the "let's cram everything we can into the weeks leading up to finals" sentiment shared by every professor of the university. Seriously, I'm pretty sure they have a meeting about it or something. Anyway, with a large part of my grades dependent on these past few weeks, I have reverted into a recluse that only comes outside for class and food. I truly have been studying harder than I ever have before. As such, the stress is aggravating my already-present Crohn's disease, and, quite honestly, making life a living hell. Enough about this, though, just thinking about finals causes my blood pressure to skyrocket. Surprisingly, one patch of calm seas that I have found in the maelstrom of finals is writing papers. I really don't know why, but I really enjoy writing research papers. They just come more naturally to me I guess.

Another source of relief I have found is trolling YouTube. I really have no idea why, I think I find it therapeutic. I just really enjoy pushing people's buttons and am quite proficient at it. In light of recent events, the conspiracy theorists have run amok. I really hate conspiracy theorists. Like a lot. Maybe even more than hipsters, which, if you know me, is a big deal. Seriously, have a little respect. It's simple, you don't get on the internet claiming that no one died or got injured in Boston, or the explosion in Waco was caused by a missile. You keep your theories to yourselves. I really hate conspiracy theorists. With that being said, however, their sheer idiocy is a troll's feeding ground. I really had a heyday with that part of it. That is, until I actually started reading the comments left by people. Then I lost all hope for the human race. I sincerely hope that the government is actually putting something in the water to dumb everyone down, because if they aren't, Mike Judge's satirical portrayal of the future becomes really scary. If you don't know what I'm talking about there, you've been missing out on a really smart dumb-movie. So yeah... I don't really go on YouTube anymore....

Finally, the title point you've all undoubtedly been waiting for, a late-night Plan B run! I'm just going to start out by quelling all of your fears, I'm not going to be a dad... anymore! Just kidding, I'm not an idiot. Wrap it before you tap it, it's that simple. This past Friday I was up all night writing papers/studying for finals. Around 3 a.m. one of my pledge brothers was extremely intoxicated (he was celebrating his actual 21st birthday. I say actual because quite a few people celebrate their "21st birthdays" around here.) and said that he was going to drive home. I, most likely being the only sober one of my pledge class, told him that I could grab him from the bars and drive him home.

(Oh, also, a little background information relevant to the story here, I have been super sick recently. I've spent the past couple of days in a lot of (read: excruciating) pain, and I spent most of Friday night puking.)

After I felt as though I could drive without spewing all over my dashboard, I went and picked him, along with another one of my pledge brothers, up. The drive to their place was uneventful. I parked and let them out as they proclaimed their drunken gratitude to me. They made their ways to their houses as I sat in my truck checking my pledge class Facebook messenger. Apparently, one of my pledge brothers went home with a girl earlier and, in a drunken stupor, did something instantly regrettable. He was freaking out as any respectable man with his whole life ahead of him would do. Him being too drunk to drive plus not owning a vehicle proved to be a challenge in acquiring the emergency-stop pill. I told him that I'd pick him up and we'd go get it together. Unfortunately, the nausea hit me again right before I left at 3:30 a.m. so I spent the next thirty minutes in front of the porcelain god. By the time I felt better, it was 4 a.m. and most places would be closed. I drove to his dorm-apartment things and proceeded to call him. And call him. And call him. After several minutes of trying, I gave up. I started driving home when I realized that I could just it for him and work out the details later. I felt very proud of myself driving to Walmart because I felt that his was my good deed of the week and could be redeemed for some good karma at a later date. I arrived at Walmart, and despite the store being open 24-hours, the pharmacy was not. So then I tried CVS. And Walgreens. And Kroger. After many awkward conversations and almost an hour and a half, I gave up. I went back to my room and started writing some more. Then 8:30 a.m. hit and one of my pledge brothers needed a ride from our fraternity house. I happily obliged. We conversed about the previous night and all of the events that had transpired across my pleasant college town. I casually told him that we were going to stop by the medical clinic and pick up the pill that would pull a Harvey Updyke (read: inbred assclown) on my pledge brother's seed. He laughed and we did exactly that. After, we travelled to the dorm-apartment things and let ourselves in. We then stood outside of his door for a solid twenty minutes before we finally managed to wake him up. The transfer passed without incident and he began to tell us what exactly had happened. We all laughed and then my other pledge brother and I started making fun of him for his life being over now that he was a dad. Then the three of us ventured out to get some of the best bagels I have ever consumed for breakfast. Apparently, Saturday was "Bring your young children to Auburn" day, because there were families with small children and babies all over the place. This only added to the humor of the life being over jokes and we continued to crack them at even the most inappropriate of times. After breakfast, I drove everyone home and went back to my room, took a power nap, and then started studying. I did that all night, effectively killing the will of my poor brain, which leads me to writing this story now.

So, yeah, my life kinda sucks right now, with the whole feeling-like-my-guts-are-being-stabbed-from-the-inside-ness and everything, but it does have its bright spots. Soon enough though, I'll be back home seeing all of my friends from high-school who I miss, my family, and someone really special. Ambiguity on that last one motha uckasssssssss. Okay, that was weird. I'm going to grab a power nap to restore some energy before I start slaving to the grind again. Until next time, this is Tyler "TMart" "Snake" "Hope" Martin saying stay classy, StoriesHouse readers.


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