Fighting Hunger with Politicians

from Tyler Martin

July 15, 2013, 4:43 p.m.

I often find myself searching for creative ways to solve problems that affect our society. While on a particularly long drive home from an adventure that ended with the misplacement of a traffic barricade I came up with a solution to not one, but two issues we deal with today. Like many, I am upset with those in Washington. I think they are doing a piss poor job and are only in it for themselves. Another problem, one that many do not experience but is prevalent nonetheless, is that of Americans going hungry. This is awful because, what the hell is this, Africa? Anyways, you may be face-palming now as you start to see where I am going with this, but just here me out, or read me out for that matter (did that sound dirty to y'all?).

A lot of the reason our politicians are so messed up is due to a blatant disregard for what is right compared to what suits their wants at that moment. In short, greed and power corrupts the people in charge of our country. The solution here is simple, simply make political positions require a high degree of altruism. The question is how?

According to Feeding America, "in 2011, 50.1 million Americans lived in food insecure households, 33.5 million adults and 16.7 million children." That is ridiculous. Almost one-sixth of our population in the greatest country on this planet goes hungry. How do we solve this problem? We introduce another food source.

Before anyone gets all up in arms about where this article is heading I just want to clarify. I am completely serious on this one. Just like a previous article of mine. So hear me out before you judge me. Why do we make political jobs so comfy and luxurious? The people who occupy those jobs lead our country, they shouldn't be enjoying the perks that hardly anyone else gets, instead they should be living the life of a common American. Unfortunately, political positions are already associated with power and greed, so this thinking needs to be taken a step further; politicians need to be treated like dirt. Think about that for a second. What person who only cares about the perks of a job is going to run for office now? The only type of people that will be attracted to a political career are the ones who truly care for America and its wonderful population. These people will literally put their lives on the line to make our country better.

Now sure, treating them like dirt would be sufficient in removing the greed-laden poison from America's heart, but why stop at sufficient? Why not take out two birds with one stone? Make politics about the people while at the same time providing much needed food for the people.

"But Tyler," I imagine our readership, which now most likely numbers in the single-digits, exclaiming. "Shouldn't a system be instituted in order to assure that we don't devolve into a society of blood-thirsty savages?" Obviously. I mean come on, when hasn't a system prevented society from devolving? Luckily, I'm already a step ahead of you! My plan starts by having a clean sweep of all politicians and opening up all political seats of power. Next, we give prospective politicians a few guidelines about the way things work. I'm not firm on what these guidelines should be, that's up to you, America. However, mine would go something like this:

  • Anyone can run and there are no consequences for losing.
  • Once elected, there are no term limits
  • After losing a bid for reelection, former leaders are sent to the "VIP Resort".

And that's it! Brevity is key (in most things, that is).

So what is this "VIP Resort"? Well if you can't tell from the quotations around the name, it isn't an actual resort. No, instead it is the place where former politicians go to fatten up and eventually be harvested for consumption! Of course they'll be treated somewhat humanely and never given growth hormones like the rest of our livestock. Think of the specialty meats we could have! The fatty-but-still-tender Chris Christie cut! Delicious! The Anthony Wiener sausage! Succulent! The low-quality, very affordable, dry roast beef from Hilary Clinton! Gross.

I'm not crazy with this thinking, guys. Other people much smarter than me have already thought of something very similar. My plan is not sheerly out of spite, though. I truly believe in a better America, and if it takes eating politicians to make that happen who am I to disservice our wonderful country?


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