Journal Entry # 513
Today was a rough day. I woke up in the middle of the night, my back was aching, and then I couldn't fall asleep. I pushed the button and it subsided within minutes. So, I lay there in bed for hours as bright, winter light sprawled across the white ceiling and filled the white room down to the white sheets as the sun came up.
I was watching the weather in my chair. The man said thunder and lightning storms were coming today and wouldn't stop till the next week. I enjoy lightning. It makes me feel alive and young and like life is just starting over again. I wish it could just start over like that in a lightning storm.
Petunia brought me my breakfast on a tray and she gave me my favorite flavour of yoghurt, gooseberry. She is always looking out for me. I pray for her and her son. They are such good people. She told me today as I ate my breakfast that they were living with her sister again after not being able to pay the rent. I like hearing other peoples' stories, makes me feel better about mine.
I sat at the window most of the day, saw those clouds roll in. I watched people, families, walk by. Some had dogs prancing around in the snow and tackling children to lick all over them while the parents laughed. Those families care about one another, unlike my kids. They haven't visited in almost a month now. They are so busy, I can understand. They shouldn't be bothering me anyhow with all the important things they do.
I couldn't go to dinner with the other patients today, I am too tired to go down there. So Petunia, working long shifts again, brought me my dinner and she had dinner with me on her break. We could hear the clouds rumbling. God was beckoning me. Time is running out.
After dinner Petunia and I played the piano a bit to warm up my fingers with the thunder tuning along. I remember the days. I could play almost every instrument and I conducted orchestras of nearly one hundred. Thats living right there. The way everything came together would make your skin crawl in the good way and was like breathing fresh air. I miss the good days, the days worth living. I got tired quickly so Petunia played for me, bless her heart.
The storm was pounding just outside my windows. I lay in my bed watching the sky brighten with fantastic squiggles of joy to only darken seconds later. Oh I would give anything to feel the rain hit my old skin, the thunder pulsate through me, the lightning to kiss my body and to end this miserable life.
Maestro it is my time. Make me young, give me life, I pray for rebirth.