The Legend of the Monster Troll

from Nick Suss

Aug. 19, 2012, 8:50 p.m.

He goes by many names. Some don't believe he exists. To be frank, for a long time I didn't believe the stories. But I can tell you without a shadow of a doubt that he exists as I have seen it with my own two eyes.The crippling combination of fear and exuberance that he emits on people is unmatched in lore, but I can tell you that this is not mere lore. This is a true tale that I have witnessed with the utmost certainty. I have been through hell and back, but I did the unthinkable: I befriended the Monster Troll.

In the far away land of the Athens lies a ye olde dormitory known as O-House. Legend has it that it is the quietest dormitory in all the land, but sometimes the evilest of disruptions may occur. Our story begins in the local eatery, the O-House Dining Commons. A great disturbance in the norm at the local cafe "Joe at the O" shook the pub, as a new customer distracted the regulars from their usual banter and fanfare. I admit, I did not witness this first hand, but my hut-mate Jeremiah the Strong, one of the aforementioned regulars, dealt with the entire saga. He spoke of a regular but awkward human who acted more like one of the Tiger Clan than of the Bulldog Clan who sat among the men and women of the saloon. His antics befuddled even the great Jeremiah the Strong as he provoked more laughter through annoyance than conversation. His craving for attention led him to perform many questionable acts, including downing six flagons of espresso and participating in the Ye Olde Nutmeg Challenge. Despite his overt annoyance, the always kind Jeremiah the Strong offered him a sip from his own personal flagon, which did much to excite the young man. The young man expressed his interest in relieving himself to the outhouse henceforth, but wished for accompaniment from my kind willed neighbor. Upon his refusal, something seemed to snap in this unfortunately weird human being. The regulars of the bar could not fathom a man wishing for a urination acquaintance, with even the serving wench now laughing at this poor sap. Upon return, his annoyance became unmatched. He threatened to urinate on other patrons. He begged for others to dispose of his trash for him. He stared Jeremiah the Strong in the eyes for extended periods of time as a love crazed woman would. Something changed in this once annoying man. He was now more than just annoying. He had flipped into the realm of insanity. And the pleading of the patrons turned to screaming, as he was banished from the bar at the eatery, never to be regranted entry.

After hearing this story, I was a tad bit uneasy. I was in my room with Mike the Competitor and the Elder Landon when the two bodied and two headed Maddie twins engaged Mike the Competitor in a challenge of the Table Tennis variety, a challenge that Mike the Competitor would most definitely not turn down. As the Maddie's magically transformed back into two separate people, one competed with Mike whilst the other viewed from the background. But something was wrong in the basement cave of O-House. A troll had staked his presence among the living. But this was not merely any troll, this was a troll who gained his power from his consumption of copious amounts of caffeine, derived from 12-16 gourds worth of Monster Energy, which as all know is the liquification of the lion's mane and the tusk of an elephant. His eyes glowed red. His hands shook. He voice was loud and crackled with the intensity of a giddy newlywed woman of an age of 11. He was, as most trolls are, a trickster. Almost all of the 10-12 humans in the basement cave were amused by him, laughing and encouraging him to consume more and compete in competitions of the Table Tennis variety against various athletic champions. I myself was not amused, but seeking not to enrage anyone I kept quiet. However, something he said struck a chord in me. He spoke of his love of the delicacy of coffee and that he wished to be a frequenter of the coffee lounge at the dining commons. I began to wonder if the being we knew as the troll was once a simple human, but I disregarded these thoughts, as no human was capable of becoming a troll. As people left, his troll like qualities began to expand. He used his magical lap screen to show a series of moving pictures known as "Mac and Devin Go to High School" reciting lines from the moving pictures mouths and laughing maniacally as a hyena would. He tried to rope me into his sorcery, but I declined. Upon the declination, he attempted to engage me in physical combat and accused me of being a dunce for wearing a relic from the past upon my chest, the seal of the Lambert Football group. I verbally fought back, temporarily disarming the troll and reducing him to vulgar language and horrid gestures.

His actions became increasingly vulgar and imbecilic as time passed. His first inclination as a being with the decreased faculties of a troll was to use his sorcerer's screen to see moving art of females with nary a loincloth for cover. He conjured many unique "sites" including the YouTube and the Playboy, where he was forced to pay a sum of two and a half coins a minute and he obliged. His antics distracted the players of Table Tennis, which had become reduced to myself, Mike the Competitor, and another named Nick of Level Six. Finally, he decided to settle on the magical site of Chat Roulette. From there his stupidity rose to a new level. He mentioned to all within earshot that if he were to see a male on his screen than he would yell. The first sight that he saw was the sight of himself, and he screamed, remarking that it was a hideous male. When Nick of Level Six told the troll it was merely his own image, it seemed as if a spell cast over me and I began to roll on the floor uncontrollably, giggling like a giddy child relieved from his duties on the family farm. He didn't enjoy our laughter and removed his upper tunic, nude from the waist up, and began to rhythmically chant at a female on the screen, reciting urban hymns of the Wiz Khalifa variety and turning off everyone both on and off the screen. Then he said something that confirmed my suspicions completely. He told the other Nick that if he did not cease conversing he would urinate upon him. The troll was in fact the poor human from before, possibly demoralized by the devastation he felt by his earlier rejection. But, nevertheless, he was still a troll. At this point we decided to sneak away, as to not further upset the beast. We accompanied Nick of Level Six past our home on Level Four and we assumed we would live happily ever after.

But, as with most stories, this is not the end. This is merely part one of the tale of the Monster Troll, the Troll of the O-House Basement, the self crowned record holder of most consecutive hours in the basement of my home. As when we returned home from the safety of Level Six back to Level Four we rushed to tell our close neighbors the flippant Brad, the indifferent Kevin (in the middle of a quest of the Amnesian variety) and the self described Morgan the Attractive. He, Morgan, was left incredulous by the tales from the deep and strove to meet the troll. As time ticked into the next day in the wee hours of one in the morning, we re-entered the cavern of the troll. As the hours had progressed, time had taken a toll on the troll (A troll toll if you will fans of Sunny) and he had slowly deteriorated to a desperate mess. But he still was insane like a troll often is, so we were reluctant to aid him. What began as simple mockery turned into a quest to return the troll to his proper quarters. He asked to be escorted to his proper home on Level 9, where his human form once made residence. He, being in the highest room in the highest tower in all of the land of Athens, required the use of an upwards elevation machine. The troll, borderline inebriated, was herded to said elevation machine by myself and the self described Morgan the Attractive, as Mike the Competitor walked all of the stairs to the highest room in the highest tower. Amazed by the elevation machine, the troll pressed every single button in the machine and laughed maniacally. The machine opened at level one and then closed. The machine opened at level 2 and than closed. The machine got to level 3 and then something bad happened. Apparently due to the witchcraft of the troll, the machine ceased operation for a moment and fell back down to level 1. I was stricken with fear as the confused troll tried to press all of the buttons again and I was forced to restrain him as the self described Morgan the Attractive pressed the button to send us to level 9. As we greeted Mike the Competitor at the apex of the elevation shaft, we leapt for joy in survival and we continued our search for the troll's room. The troll entered his golden key into a door, but then exclaimed that ti was not his home and that it was in fact the room of females. Then he entered his golden key into another door and once again remarked that it was the incorrect corridor. At that point the troll said that he, in all the days he had lived in the highest room in the highest tower in Athens, had not been inside his home. At that point, due to the sheer fear invoked by how much of a wild card the troll seemed to be, the three of us ran home, as cowardice in exchange for life is a good exchange in the mystical land of Athens,

And they all lived happily ever after for at least one more day because the Ye Olde Vending Machine is out of stock of Monster Energy.


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