On Thievery

from Nick Suss

Aug. 26, 2012, 9:25 p.m.

On Sunday morning I, Nick Suss, was a victim of the most useless crime by the stupidest criminal in the world. Part of the stupidity was all mine, but most was rooted in the motivation and actions of the unnamed and unidentified criminal. Here, to my knowledge, is the extent of what happened last night.

At 11:45 PM, I entered my dorm room after a solid five games of volleyball. For those wondering my team lost 3 games to 2. But I digress. The four of us from my hall who had played, Mikey, Landon, Jeremiah, and myself were all tired and sweaty from that much volleyballing, so naturally we went to shower. The thing is, I live in the most legit dorm in all of Athens, and I share a bathroom with just three other people, Mikey and Jeremiah being two of them. Jeremiah called dibs and entered the shower first. At this point in the night, until about 12:10, neither Mike nor myself had stepped in our dorm, as we went to hang out with our other neighbors, Brad and Kevin. Kevin was absentee most of the night, watching anime on his laptop up on his bed, but Brad was introducing us to certain video games, inFamous and Uncharted being the two of choice. At 12:15, Mikey went into our room to shower and as most would assume, our door was shut so no creepy person would walk in while he was in the shower. From 12:15 to 12:25ish, Mikey was in the shower and after he finished I was in the shower until about 12:45. Upon getting dressed, I headed back to Brad's room for some more video games and some green tea (on which I burnt the shit out of my tongue and it still hurts like a bitch right now) and propped my door open for easy entrance and exit to check my phone and to get snacks (and ice for my fucking tongue wounds) and drinks. We sat in Brad's for an extended period of time whilst our door sat open, for Landon wanted to sit in our room to make a phone call and entered at about one o'clock. He sat in that room until about 1:30 and as his phone call was ending I walked in. Then, walking to check my phone, I realized it had been removed from its charger, and my laptop underneath was also gone.

After running around my room looking for everything and hitting my hall and wall with a barrage of fucks and motherfuckers I concluded that it was stolen. My first impulse was to ask Landon if he had seen anyone walk by, and he hadn't. Then I explained to everyone why I was so fucking pissed off, and they became equally pissed off. At 1:45, after inspecting what exactly in my room was stolen (just my phone, ipod, and laptop) I went to report the theft to the front desk of my building. There, I was met by a surprise: two cops and my laptop. I, being me, remarked "and that would be mine", which was met by a police officer asking if I was Nick. After I said yes, he asked me to verify with a password and I did so, typing in my password of **. They believed me and then I asked if they had found a phone along with it. They said no and asked why. I, shirtless and in pajama pants for the record, explained the situation to them and they asked to come to my room to inspect. I was so relieved to have found my 1000 dollar laptop that my phone was something of an afterthought, but the cops proved to be very helpful, as they told me that the laptop was found outside of room 126 and brought back by a person on that hallway that did not identify himself. After the cops told me what to do if I had any questions and how to go about notifying them of any changes in the case, they left and that is when the real sleuthing began.

(Side Note: I love the word "sleuthing". It is a great cascade of sounds, from the gentle slide of the tongue at the start to the double voweled long "eu" to the use of th as an unprecedented transition into the harsh ing, it is a well rounded word. In addition I very much love its acceptability as both a gerund and a verb. Did you know sleuth was acceptable as a noun and a verb? I use it dually all the time. But, I'd say the best part of the word is its use in accents. It is impossible to say sleuthing without trying to almost use some sort of accent. Say it five times and try for one of them not to be British. Its tough. But I massively digress.)

Many questions came to my mind. Why did they decide to steal from me? Why did they choose to steal what they stole? Why did they bypass a 32 inc TV, Mikey's laptop and phone, an Xbox, a Wii, all sorts of video game gear, a refrigerator with a freezer, a smaller monitor for a TV, and my wallet with a debit card and 30 bucks in cash to steal what they did? How did we not see the person? How did no one see the person. Why would they have walked from my room to the first floor in the way they did that would have left the laptop where they did and take the stairs not the elevator? Why did they leave the laptop and take the phone? Why leave the laptop in the middle of the hallway? Why go through all the trouble to steal if you would get discouraged by a password? Why were they not discouraged by the passwords on my phone and iPod? WHY COMMIT THIS CRIME? It was as illogical as trading away 260 million dollars worth of contracts to another team just because your manager is a dumbass. We had to create a list of suspects. First was the obvious suspect. The only enemy that any of us had made has been the basement troll, but he was not smart enough to climb stairs or use an elevator on his own, so it probably wasn't him. Another suspect was a sketchy Asian kid I saw in the elevator lobby and asked him about having seen someone. He barely replied and was gone 5 minutes later. Suspects didn't really matter, because we had a lead, the room on the first floor where the laptop was found. We went there and a bunch of weird people were in there, so we left as soon as we came, because they seemed too baked to be capable of criminal activity. Then we went to the basement on a hunch and it turned out to be useless as no one (not even the basement troll) was down there, and neither was my phone. We went to the main lobby to ask some questions to the lady behind the desk about the man who returned the laptop and whether or not he lived in the building. She was the opposite of a help. We discussed for the next 25 minutes in my room until I decided that I needed to call my parents and tell them what had happened. That was a bad idea. They, being overprotective and concerned, vowed to trek up to Athens the next morning, rather that morning, and get me a new phone. I was not in objection to a new phone, but I did not want my family to visit. That is against college code.

I slept until noon that morning when I was awoken by Mike shaking my pillow and saying my parents, corresponding to me through Mikey's phone, were on their way and I was to call them. That bothered me greatly, and I woke up, got dressed and all ready for the day and decided to go to breakfast. As I walked to breakfast, my parents called whilst I was on the stairs and said they were looking for a parking spot. Then, I got the biggest sense of deja vu in the world. As I rounded the corner into the main lobby their was a police officer standing at the front desk staring at a phone and an iPod. I was incredulous. I glared at the grand irony of the situation: as my parents showed up to replace my phone, my phone had replaced itself. I told the new front desk attendant and new cop that those were mine, provided passwords, and explained how this situation was funny because it mirrored the other. The cop was relieved he didn't have to paperwork, and I was stunned a cop could be that humorless. Then I asked where the items had been found and he replied the seventh floor elevator lobby and walked out. I live on the fourth floor. How would someone have gone up three floors, abandoned the handhelds, gone down 6, abandoned the laptop, and walked out? What sort of rhythm was that? Why would anyone have gone through the process of stealing if they were just going to abandon EVERYTHING? WHAT MORON WOULD DO THAT SHIT? Then, my parents walked through the door. And they laughed, but they couldn't just turn around and leave, so they told me to go to breakfast and then call them when I was back to my room. I did that and they stayed for about an hour. That was not fun.

So here is the moral of the story all of you collegians. IF you are a victim of a crime it really sucks. But, if you are a victim of a crime that has the potential to sort itself out, don't call your parents, because they will overreact and come to your rescue. And you don't want that, because you are in college and your parents shouldn't run to your aid at the site of the pettiest of petty thefts. There you go, that is an explanation of why I didn't text you guys for a day. I hope I wasted your time in reading this. More typing to follow.

Nick


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