Andy Social: The Bar

from Nick Suss

Aug. 6, 2014, 10:46 a.m.

Holy crap. Is she walking toward you? Are you making eye contact? Is this real? Check behind you. Is anyone behind you? Maybe she’s meeting up with someone and that someone is behind you. Turn around, but make it casual. Nope. No one’s behind you. You’re leaning against a wall, how could anyone be behind you? She’s getting closer. She’s not breaking her stride. I could go for some Stride gum right now. Dammit, focus Andy. She can’t be more than six steps away. Stop staring. No, don’t look down. Tilt your head up a little bit. Great, now it looks like you’re staring at her legs. You are staring at her legs. She has nice legs. But why are they coming at you? This doesn’t make any sense. Shit. She’s right here. Say something.

Say something.

SAY SOMETHING DAMMIT!

This has to be the longest pause in human history. How long have we been looking at each other? Open your mouth Andy. Okay. Your mouth is open. You’re still not saying anything. Now it just looks like you’re drooling. You are drooling. Stop drooling Andy. This is too bizarre. Turn around and go to the bathroom. Maybe she won’t notice.

Hi, I’m Diana.

She talked to you. She talked to you. She talked to you. Talk back at her. Say your name. At least part of your name. Or shut your mouth. Okay. Deep breath. Here goes.

Andy.

Smooth. Now she knows your name is Andy. But you didn’t give too much away. Good work. She’s reaching out her hand now. What is she reaching out for? Is she trying to mug me? Is this like a weird Thelma and Louise situation? How are you referencing that movie? You haven’t seen that movie. Is Susan Sarandon in it? Why are you thinking about Thelma and Louise? Stick your damn hand out Andy.

I couldn’t help but notice you standing over here all by yourself. You look kind a lonely. Wanna buy me a drink?

Yes. Yes you do. That’s the only reason you have a job. You have all this money lying around saved up for buying girls drinks. You can do that. Just verbalize it Andy. Or motion it. Or do it. For the love of God move your body in some way Andy! Okay. That worked. You gestured toward the bar. Unless she meant a drink out of the vending machine. I don’t think she did. Do bars even have vending machines? That would probably be counterintuitive. Unless it was a beer vending machine. That’d be pretty cool. You should invent one of those. Why are you thinking about this? Buy this woman a drink.

Why’s a guy so cute standing all by himself at a bar?

Shit. That’s a question she expects an answer to. Or is she speaking hypothetically. Are there other cute guys alone at this bar? Scan the room. Nope. You don’t see any. Then again, who are you to judge what a cute guy is? Not that you can’t. Wait. Why are you trying to prove to yourself that you aren’t homophobic. You’re you. You should know that already. Wait. What if that was a riddle? Why is a guy so cute standing by himself? That’s a brain teaser. Dammit. Stop trying to solve this riddle. And put down your right eyebrow. You look creepy.

I don’t know, I guess. I’m kind of new to this scene.

Who says that? You’re blowing it.

That’s okay. I can show you the ropes.

Apparently people say that. Nice save Andy. But why is she being so nice to you? What are her ulterior motives? Is she a heroin dealer? Is she looking for another customer to hook on the sweet sauce? That’s not a euphemism for heroin, is it? Are there euphemisms for heroin? Don’t people tend to just call it heroin? Stop thinking about heroin.

You’re quiet. I like that in a guy.

How are you doing this? You haven’t done anything yet she’s draping herself all over you. Dating is easy. Wait. Is this a trap? Is she a hooker? Is she going to take me back to a seedy hotel room and give me crabs then charge me for it? Where did the phrase “seedy hotel room” come from? Maybe a lot of people threw out old fruit in a crummy hotel and it became known as seedy. Of course, if the hotel was crummy, it might have been cookies to blame. You’re so witty. You should tell Diane that joke. Diane? Diana? It’s Diana. It’s got to be Diana. Shit. You’ve forgotten her name. Quick: Create a diversion.

So what do you want to drink?

Not the diversion one would have in mind but it worked nonetheless. I would’ve gone with spilling all of these stale peanuts on the floor, but I guess I’m not you. Wait. I am you. Have you been thinking in the second person again? Why do you do that? You’re still doing it. How pretentious are we? Great. Now we’re a “we.” Now we’re pretentious and insane.

Surprise me. What’re you drinking?

How do I tell her I’m drinking a pink lemonade without saying I’m drinking a pink lemonade? I could say it in Hindi. That would work. First, of course, I’d have to learn Hindi, but besides that it’s a foolproof plan.

Oh, you know, a little bit of everything.

A little bit of everything? Where did this charm come from? When did you all of a sudden turn into Emilio Esteves? That’s the sex symbol you went with? Emilio Esteves? You couldn’t have gone with John Stamos? John Stamos? Man, you need to realize it isn’t 1989 anymore. Who’s hot now? Dammit Andy, you know you’re not homophobic. Stop trying to overcompensate. Start a conversation. What do you want to talk about? Sports? No, that’s too general. Super Bowl VII? No, too specific. Wind patterns in the Gulf of Mexico? You know nothing about the Gulf of Mexico or wind patterns. Think. What do people talk about?

So, Diana, what’s your favorite number?

You are a freaking idiot. That has to be the dumbest conversation starter anyone has ever come up with. Maybe there’s still enough time for a getaway. Quick jump out the window. You’re in the basement of a building. There are no windows. Fine. Chisel your way out. Where are you going to find a chisel? This isn’t a roadrunner cartoon. You’re looking at her legs again.

735. Why do you ask?

She has a favorite number? And it’s 735? That’s your favorite number too! No it isn’t. Your favorite number is 6. That reminds me. I’ve been meaning to ask you. Why do you have a favorite number? You’re a grown man.

No reason. I think it just says a lot about a person.

Thataway to work your way back Emilio.

Wow. You’re really deep.

She thinks I’m deep. Time to cash in. The bartender is making eye contact with you now. Your drinks are ready. Seal the deal. Give her her drink and let your night unfold before you.

Your drink.

Our hands are touching. This is cool. Sixth grade me would be drooling right now. Is real time me drooling right now? No? Nice job. You learned how to keep your jaw shut. Good for you.

Thanks, weirdo. See you later.

She’s walking away. Why’s she walking away? Did she just use you? Have you been used? Come back. Bring those legs of yours back my way. I bought you a pink lemonade! The least you can do is pay me back with a dance. C’mon. Say something. Say anything to get her back Andy. Say something.

I’ll buy your heroin if you’re selling!

She’s turning around. She’s turning around. SHE’S TURNING A – no wait. She isn’t. She’s just reaching into her pocket. Is there heroin in there? Is she actually selling heroin? Am I about to be a heroin addict? I don’t think I’d be good at heroin. Nope. That’s not heroin. That’s pepper spray. Back to your wall Andy. Get back to the wall.

On second thought barkeep, I’ll take that pink lemonade in a to-go cup thank you.


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