Andy Social: Netflix

from Nick Suss

Jan. 7, 2016, 2:22 p.m.

Okay Andy. Don’t overthink this. She just wants to watch some Netflix. You don’t need to crack some sort of code. You’re not Kristen Stewart in Catch That Kid. Is that movie even about cracking codes? I wonder if that’s on Netflix. It’s been like 10 years since I’ve seen that movie. Wonder if it holds up.

Focus Andy. Wait, what do you need to focus on? She is just a friend. We had a project to do, we did the project, and now she wants to chill out and watch some Netflix before she leaves. Perfectly normal. Friends do that.

Wait. She wants to chill and Netflix? Isn’t that a thing? Don’t the kids say that nowadays? Aren’t I technically a kid? I guess not, I wouldn’t consider college-aged as being a kid. But I also think by that standard, kids aren’t saying this phrase. Let’s say young adults. Isn’t that what the young adults are saying these days? But again, we get back to that same point. Aren’t I part of that demographic? Shouldn’t I know what we as a group are saying?

Stop overanalyzing. It’s been forever since someone last talked. Say words.

So, Carrie, movie or TV show?

Nice lead-in. Quality question. You should have a talk show. You could ask celebrities about what they watch on Netflix. Why doesn’t this show already exist? Probably because everyone would just answer Breaking Bad and Parks and Recreation and then the show would be over. Wouldn’t be a very long show.

Wait. Did she answer? Look at her face and try to discern if she said anything.

Crap. I think she said something. Ask her to repeat it no harm in that.

I’m sorry my mind wandered for a second, what’d you say?

Movie. Let’s do a movie.

She doesn’t look angry. Why doesn’t she look angry? I wasn’t listening to her and she isn’t mad at me. Is this a sign? What would this even be a sign of you moron? Patience? Yes. It’s a sign she’s patient. Good we’ve cleared that up. Open up Netflix and start browsing you jackass.

Shit. What if she sees my Netflix history? That’ll be embarrassing. The last three things you watched were Crossing Jordan, Clueless and Caillou. Why do you watch so many things that start with the letter C? And why are all of them so lame? And what possessed you to binge-watch the second season of Caillou anyway? You should’ve known after three episodes that narrative structure was derivative. Or that it was a show for kids. Shit. It’s loading. Recently watched is going to be the first thing anyone sees. Crap crap crap crap crap.

Why were you watching Caillou?

Think of something witty. Think of something clever. Think of something to get out of telling the truth. Think of a lie dammit! Anything to avoid the honest truth that you are so lame that you in fact watched Caillou for fun.

I share this account with some younger cousins of mine. I guess they must’ve watched it. Who the heck shares a Netflix account with younger cousins? That’s not a thing! People don’t split the cost of Netflix with tertiary relatives young enough to enjoy Caillou and not old enough to make an income to split the costs of Netflix in the first place. In the name of Caesar that was a dumb lie.

I think that’s cute of you, sharing with your cousins. What are their names?

She bought it. She bought it. She bought the lie and now I’m just realizing I don’t have any cousins. Both of my parents are only children and I don’t have any cousins because of it. This lie is going to get me killed. She’s with the KGB and she’s spying on me to see if I’m a capitalist sympathizer. That’s not true. But now that we’ve got the worst-case scenario out of the way we can lie. Good job Andy.

Their names are Justin and Kelly. Kelly is 3 and Justin is 7.

And you went with the names of the winner and runner-up from Season 1 of American Idol. And you just subtracted 30 from each of their real-life ages. And apparently you know the real-life ages of Kelly Clarkson and Justin Guarini. That’s the lamest fact anyone has ever said ever. But I mean it’s plausible. If someone is 7 years old, it’s completely possible that his parents bonded over the early seasons of American Idol and named him based off of that then continued the tradition four years later with a second kid. That’s a feasible lie. I think I’ll tell it. On second thought, let’s just see what she wants to watch.

Well, I don’t want to screw up the suggestions here for your little cousins. We should probably watch something kind G rated, shouldn’t we? So they don’t think it’s okay to watch Pulp Fiction or something.

That’s nice of her. She doesn’t want my imaginary cousins to watch age-inappropriate content. She’s a nice person. We already know that though. That’s what makes her a friend. Respond to her question.

That’d be nice but we don’t have to watch a kids’ film. We can watch adult films too if we want.

Did you really just say that? Did you say “adult films?” Do you not know what that means? Don’t suggest to anyone ever that you should watch adult films together unless you are married or on a jury trying to convict someone on pornography charges. But pornography isn’t illegal. Well, some of it is. Sidetracking again. Fix this.

I mean, not like adult films adult films. But like grown-up movies. But not like the Adam Sandler Grown Ups movies. Those are terrible. Like regular, age-appropriate, non-pornographic films for people of our age group.

Stop babbling you imbecile and let her talk.

No, I like kids’ movies. You know what I haven’t seen in a while? Catch That Kid.


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