A Rebuttal: The N.I.C.K.S.U.S.S. Method

from Nick Suss

June 15, 2013, 3:51 p.m.

S.N.A.K.E. Rebuttal: The N.I.C.K S.U.S.S. Method

For all of our regular readers, I’d like to point this out if you haven’t already figured it out yourselves: Tyler and I are far from the same person. On this website, he is the Yin to my Yang, the positive to my negative, the cool to my lame. So let me establish this: even if I were to follow his rules to a tee, things wouldn’t work out for me. I get it, I get it, he was being tongue-in-cheek, but for the record, I have a sinking suspicion that he actually follows those principles. But I also have a sinking suspicion that more of our readers are like me than like Snake. So for all of you Nick-a-Likes out there, I have a new method for you: The N.I.C.K S.U.S.S Method.

As Tyler said, before we go any further let me explain that this article is for mature audiences and is written for humor. But contrary to Tyler, let me get it straight that if you want to go in the comments and make fun of me for being awful, all bets are game. Because I am awful. With all those disclaimers out of the way, let’s start off with the first letter of my name.


Never Leave Room

As the old adage says: good things come to those who wait. And adages are never wrong. If they were, we’d call them subtract-ages. So by using that logic, just wait. There are plenty of party-adjacent fun things you can do by yourself by never leaving your room. I can’t think of anything right now, but that’s because I just slept for 13 and a half hours. In fact, that is one of them: sleep for 13 and a half hours. Why go out into the party atmosphere and be around other people when you can watch people party on TV or read about it on the internet? It just doesn’t make sense why people in this day in age go out when laziness is so easy.


Incidentally Meet Someone

You’d think this would be the hard part, but it really isn’t. If you live in dorms or apartments, incidentally meeting someone is as easy as keeping your door open. I did it countless times. If a girl walks by who you’ve never met before but would like to talk to, or boy for the girl readers among you, just invite them in. Here’s the trick that I used countless times: seem creepy but not too creepy. I’m not kidding. There is no way to invite someone you’ve never met before into your lair without sounding or seeming a little creepy. If you make eye contact, you’re golden. This step is easiest to initiate during the first two weeks of each semester. Hell, during the first week of the second semester I just walked up and down my hall knocking on people’s doors to meet them. But on the chance you live so secluded that no one else will see you, which would be heavenly, you’ll have to incidentally meet someone in classes or in the dining hall, both of which are really easy. Meeting someone isn’t that hard. The next few steps are.


Create Shared Interest

Let’s assume from here on out you are as good as me at making first impressions. I can’t quite explain it, but for some reason, people really like me the first time they meet me. (#humblebrag) Assuming this is so, just start talking. I disagree with Snake here. People are uncomfortable talking about themselves. They feel like there in the ho-hum doldrums of every day conversations. So here’s the secret: talk about yourself a lot if you have something interesting to say, but once every 5-10 minutes say something along the lines of this:

“Seriously, I feel bad, I’ve been dominating the conversation with my stories. Tell me a story about yourself.”

One of two things will happen. The first possibility is they will actually tell a story about themselves and you will listen intently and laugh just as they had with you. Never pretend to listen. Everything anyone ever says is interesting if you listen deeply enough. The second possibility is something like this will happen:

(Awkward pause for two or three seconds) "No, I just can’t think of anything. I’m just not a good story teller. Plus my stories are boring.”

If this happens, you just won the night. Let’s be completely honest here. If they are saying that their stories are boring, what they really mean are your stories are interesting. Importantly though, through telling stories, focus on comedy. Don’t get too serious or else you will be off-putting. But also, find a common interest through these stories and tangentially talk about that. For example: if I ever meet someone and I start talking about myself, I will find a way to casually slip baseball or sitcoms into the conversation to both a) show off my knowledge, asserting dominance, or b) figure out if they care too and start a long conversation about that. Shared interest is the truest mark of a good conversation. If there is no shared interest, you find yourself with a talker/listener scenario, which is never good.


Kick Out of Room

I mean c’mon, you think you’re going to bag someone on the first night just because you’re a good conversationalist? Get real. And also, you probably have class in the morning or a test you need to study for that isn’t for a few days. That a way to be proactive. Don’t overplay your hand on the first connection. If you don’t kick them out, bad things will happen. And I’m just talking from a biblical morality stance. Also, all that work you did to forge common bonds will be useless if you throw it all away the first night. Kick ‘em out. They’re adults. They’ll understand. But don’t forget to find an excuse to see them again, or else you just wasted a night having fun with someone you will never see again. Which isn’t that bad, but this isn’t just the N.I.C.K Method. We’re only half way done.


See Again

Assuming you took the route of using incidental contact to meet someone, there is a very easy chance that you will see that person again. Keep keeping your door propped open. Sit next to them in class. Eat your meals at the same time every day assuming that they will also eat their meals at the same time. (That last part is kind of stalkery. Don’t do that unless you really want to be a stalker.) It doesn’t matter how you do it, just make sure you can see that person again.


Unravel Previous Work

The landmark of the N.I.C.K.S.U.S.S. Method is that you will inevitably block yourself and ruin your own life, instead of someone else, hopefully not the girl/boy you are pursuing, doing it for you. This is really easy to do, believe it or not. You just told a lot of funny and interesting stories about yourself last time you talked, but it turns out, those were the only stories you have. Instead of using your life to make new stories, you just shelter yourself and watch TV and play Sporcle all day. (Okay, that’s just me. But you guys do some things all day you wish you hadn’t too. It’s not just me.) So now you have no endearing stories to tell, just deep ones or ones based in the boring monotony you call life. So this time, they’re forced to carry the conversation. They find this unnatural and wish it had been more like the first time you encountered each other. They are disappointed. You are awkward. All work has been unraveled.


Suck at Reestablishing Connection

Shut your door. Sit on the other side of the classroom. Go off the grid Bruce Wayne-style. Reference going off the grid Bruce Wayne-style. You’re conversation will become briefer and briefer, hollower and hollower. What was once fun for both of you has become fun for no one. A relationship built purely on none of the cornerstones of a healthy relationship is doomed to fail. So you begin to fear calling them. Or you accidentally self-sabotage by waiting too long or just being yourself. You thought you were being yourself the first time, but she didn’t think you were, she thought you were being quirky. When it turns out you are quirky naturally, she doesn’t like that. They don’t want to see you again, so they start to go off the grid or find another way to their room or their seat without crossing you. The complete failure is complete.


Sob Deeply

You’ve done it! You’ve successfully me someone with which you have a chance to kindle something special and ruined it because you suck as a person. Good for you. Give yourself a pat on the back while you are sitting in your shower crying like Tobias Funke in the early episodes of Arrested Development. Because it’s exactly those kind of references that ruined your prospects of a happy, working relationship in the first place. Doubt yourself. Run through every possible way you could’ve done something differently to prolong the inevitable. Play music loudly so people can’t hear your agony. But don’t cry for too long. Your door is open and another person you’ve never met is coming up the hall.

Final Thoughts

You just read this and thought: “Wow, I’d much rather follow the S.N.A.K.E. Method than the N.I.C.K.S.U.S.S. Method.” Oh really? Would you rather be hung over all day three days a week just because you forged a cheap, meaningless, shell of a relationship with a bimbo or mimbo you met one night or still be in your pajamas at 4:45 like I am? If you answered you’d rather be like me, give me a call or shoot me a text or an email. I’ll give you a fuller explanation of how to fail in life with a more nuanced approach to each of the key facets. Because let’s be frank: following the S.N.A.K.E. Method is easy if you find someone easy or drunk enough. Following my method is a difficult, tedious process which needs to be perfected. Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to go watch some TV and contemplate why I am happy about this post.


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