25 Minutes of Downtime

from Nick Suss

Sept. 11, 2012, 1 p.m.

I have class at 2:00. It is 1:35. So, what else should I do but type up my almost bi-weekly correspondence to my high school friends. I am currently sitting outside of my classroom, as there is another class in there right now. I got to class really early because, with my broken ankle, it is very difficult to get around campus by foot, so I take buses. And the bus got to my stop really freaking on time today, for the first time ever, so I am in a motherfucking hallway freezing my ass off on a cold floor. I just got back from lunch. I love lunch. Food is sooooo freaking good. (I just accidentally made a typo on the original edit and it said food is sooooo freaking food. I like that statement better. I think I'll rescind the previous sentence to say that.) Food is soooooo freaking food! Especially at the dining commons outside of my residence hall (which is obviously what conceited people call a dorm), where I have the option to eat either Qboda styled Mexican Food, Asian Stir Fry, Chicken Buffet, Burgers and other delicious grill delectables, and above all, my mecca, THE SANDWICH HUT! I have two sandwiches a day for lunch. Do you want to know my order? No? Well, too bad, I'm going to type it anyway. The first sandwich I get is Ham and Swiss on white bread with lettuce and pepperoni and the second is Roast Beef and Provolone on white bread with lettuce, olive oil, and white vinegar. I gobble those little fuckers up! I am such a fat human being because of it, and Mikey tends to not favor the state of our toilets on some days, but I still eat that every day. I feel you have grown tired of reading about my eating habits, so I will change topic slightly. I was eating lunch today with my buddy Morgan. For those of you who read what I write religiously, you will remember that I have referred to Morgan before. First, I referred to him as a quasi-hipster that I showed slight dislike towards, then as Morgan the self described attractive in The Legend of the Monster Troll. He would like for me to retract that epithet and change it to Morgan to Boyish Jester. I hope I have rectified that. But, it turns out that Morgan is not a hipster. I would like to clear the slate. He is actually one of the best people to be around on my hall, because he is so out there that everyone enjoys what he says. Its a weird stratagem to take (Just used stratagem bitches!) being that he is so offputting at the beginning but it become awesome at the end. So, many of you may be wondering about the passing references I have made to Mikey having a ladyfriend on campus. The truth is YES! He does! And I don't! I'm not as excited about that! The fact of the matter is I am about to do something to you, my readers and close friends, collectively that I have never done before. I am going to compliment you. The fact that you have tolerated me for as long as you have makes me miss you so much. It is difficult for people to get used to me, and I applaud you guys for taking the time to get to know me, because I am an awesome, kickass, humble human being who anyone would be lucky to be friends with. All joking aside, I have made plenty of friends and still see some former acquaintances, but every guy I meet here is so desperate that it makes me seem like an abnormal human being for acting like MYSELF around those of the opposite sex. Everyone has tried to give me advice to act more confident around people and they will find me more desirable. You know what I say to that advice? I say screw that for two reasons. One: I am the best, so why are you giving me advice. Two: I am self-deprecating, that's my thing, just wait a few weeks, get to know my sense of humor, and maybe you won't take it upon yourself to think that I need advice. (Side Note: The Boys are Back in Town just came on my iPod on shuffle and I got really introspective because of the subject matter of that song. That is why I got so freaking ranty and depressing with those sentiments. Now You Oughta Know by Alanis Morrissette is on, so I'm going to get really thrashing angry and become a bra burning feminist by that logic. I can't wait to see what sort of turn this dissertation will take. This is interesting.) But, I'd say the part about college life that is the most disconcerting to me is that it seems like everybody is regressing. Most of my time is spent in my room playing old school GameCube games with people from all over my hall, and building for that matter, talking about playing truth or dare, playing truth or dare, or gossiping! Everyone on my hall is a massive gossip and I don't like it. Why cant ELE? (Did you think we would get through this without a movie reference? You were mistaken.) I try to be me and get everybody to like me because I want to be Ray Barone (and there's TV) more than anyone else, but I find that when I hang out with different groups they just talk about the other groups. And I understand that this in some ways can be contrived as gossip, but it's different because a) its on the internet so it is technically cyber-bullying, and b) you don't know the people. Shit, I've only got two minutes left on my allotment, I gotta wrap this up. The moral of the story is, as always, you can't trust the system. I will type more later, but I am in a giant lecture class with 200 people and we are about to watch a movie, so if I continue typing I will look like an idiot. So, without less ado, I say goodbye for now and I ask why this website has 5 authors but only one types. Think about it.

Nick Suss


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